I Need To Be Honest pt. 2

I think they know. I think they know that I'm finally ready to expose them.

I've never lived in such close proximity to others. Screams echo through this "home" at night. Are they trying to scare me? Is this another tool of these wicked beings?

I ponder whether or not I'm unique very often. But that can't be. I can't be alone in my isolation and pain. Perhaps some of these folks know them like I do. Perhaps their failing memories and slipping mental cognition makes it so each nightly encounter is their first, and so it incites these horrible yells that keep me awake. Maybe they didn't live in fear like I did, or were even conspiring to reveal their secrets before their decline. Maybe they did confide in someone, and were rewarded with madness. Either way, I have nothing left to lose, I have no more fear.

So, it's for them as much as myself that I begin to make these confessions. I need to be honest.

My daddy loved to take us boys fishing. I always felt he was more at home in the wilderness, teaching us the skills that helped him return from The Great War. He never got into the specifics, maybe to spare us the horrors of war, but he took every opportunity to instill in us the importance of brotherhood and humanity. See, family was everything to Daddy but he never subscribed to the belief that it was limited to blood. I lend my survival in my own war and my business to these lessons. I've never met a man that wasn't my brother, or a woman that wasn't my sister. I saw my parents in the older folks I worked for over the years, and the children I never had in the youth of my community.

We were all adopted, my brother Teddy, my sister Maria and I. I've never had any qualms over it. I loved my parents and the family they built for us. Everyday I thank the heavens for their kindness, even after what I had done. Even now that they've been gone for all these years. My Daddy was my hero. I can't blame him for how he could never look at me the same after I lost Teddy. Momma and Maria never blamed me. But I know the truth, and although Daddy never treated me any less, maybe he did too.

Years later, at his funeral, I learned that he had been part of a small American detachment, sent to the Italian Alps to assist in the repulsion of Austrian forces. During the Winter of 1916, his regiment was split and separated during a storm and they didn't discover him for 2 weeks. He hadn't lost a pound and greeted the reunion with an enormous smile. His war buddies told me how he recounted sawing through the thick ice of an obscure tarn with his bayonet. Daddy avoided starvation by pulling fish from the water with a shoelace and the small amount of rations he had left. I think this incident gave him the hubris to bring two young boys ice fishing in the Appalachians during the dead of winter.

It started out like any other trip.

"DADDY!!" Maria shouted through her tears, clinging to our fathers pant leg. "Why won't you bring me with you? Why do you love Teddy and Ozzy so much more than me?"

He got down on one knee, and although I'm sure he assumed the rest of us couldn't hear, he whispered, "I love you the most, can't you see my darling? You're already so strong and smart, I could never leave your mother here alone with one of these boys!"

Daddy took a moment to rise back to his feet, he wasn't a young man. It was 1948 after all, and it wasn't until they had gone grey trying to have their own children that our parents began adopting their brood. But we were theirs, they assured us. Instances like these always proved it.

When he finally stood again and caught his breath, Daddy said, "In any case, dear, we aren't leaving until the morning. Now let's sit down and enjoy this meal your mother and I worked so hard on!"

He always had a way of making everyone feel special. After Teddy and I set the table, he invited Maria to sit on his lap and pick away from his own plate. I remember this meal so vividly because of its unusual quietness. Teddy was trying so hard to contain his excitement, for Maria's sake. Momma was gently reminding us boys to never leave each other's side and to take care with following our father's orders.

After shooing us off to bed, I could still hear our parents whispers and giggles from out in the kitchen. Surprisingly so, because once we were in our room Teddy couldn't conceal his excitement any longer.

"Ozzy! We are going to have the best time! I can't wait to finally spend a night under the stars with you and Daddy! Do you think it's going to snow? Did we pack enough blankets? I hope we catch all the fish!"

"The sooner you fall asleep the sooner we'll be on our way," I reminded him.

It was to no avail, however. I dozed off to sleep that night as Teddy rambled on and on about all of our adventures to come.

My brother was dead tired the next morning, Daddy and I had to load up his truck by ourselves and I was tasked with slumping Teddy's near lifeless body into the cab. I took the middle seat and allowed him to lie his head on my thighs. We stayed silent all those hours into the mountains to let him sleep. It was serene. I soaked in the sight of the remaining birds floating carelessly through the sky and I even spotted a few rabbits dashing underneath the skirts of the powdered evergreens. I watched melting snow slip off the the rocky faces that sometimes towered over both sides of the road.

Every so often our dad would crack open the vents underneath the dash to cycle out the hot air in the cramped space we were all sharing. I took the fresh, cool breeze in like a glass of water, reveling in the sign that we would soon reach our destination.

Without much notice we slowed and pulled off the road. Nothing about this spot seemed familiar to me, but Daddy loved the challenge of trekking through the forest and finding new spots to set up camp.

Most of our first day out there was pretty uneventful the way I gauged it, but from the moment Teddy opened his eyes he was erupting with jubilation. He flew through the sparse covering of snow that had been able to penetrate the canopy. He didn't seem to have any care or notice for the 30 pounds of gear strapped to his little frame. He must have fallen a dozen times, which he always responded to with uncontrollable laughter. Daddy and I were more purposeful with our steps, but we both watched him burn through his energy with smiles of amusement on our faces.

As the day dragged on and the sun started sinking low, the shadows cast by the trees stretched to extraordinary lengths. They seemed to dance in the wind. I slowed a bit to drink from my canteen and to blink away the illusions from my eyes.

"Oscar! Don't give up on me now, kid! We're almost there! If we slow up I'm going to lose sight of Teddy!" He shouted from not too far ahead of me.

When I opened my eyes back up completely, the shadows on the trees were still dancing violently, but since Daddy didn't make mention of it, neither did I.

"He'll never lose us with all that giggling!" I hollered back.

Even so, I broke into a light jog to catch up. As I passed the base of each tree the shadows seemed to jump and wrap around my own, distorting it and drawing it off the path. I could feel the perspiration dampening my hair and yanking the light clothing beneath my winter gear tight to my skin. The closer I got to my father the more light-headed and dizzy I became. My energy seemed to be seeping away. With every step I felt myself losing control, like all my weight shifted to one side of my body and then suddenly to the other. When I looked up it didn't seem like I had gained any ground. My father's silhouette had joined the madness of the trees, jumping from the base of his feet and dancing violently among them. I began to fall but It all happened so slowly to me. I was able to look down and around and notice the absence of my own profile against the snow. As I gazed further I saw it, gently pressing a finger to its lips.

The last thing I heard was my dad and brother shouting my name.

The sun was gone when I awoke. I could hear the crackling of the campfire outside of the tent. The aroma of cooking meat drifted in, maybe that's what had finally roused me from that unnatural slumber. I was stripped of most of my clothing and wrapped tightly in several blankets. The quiet whispers of my brother and father expressing their worry creeped into the shelter.

A wave of embarrassment washed over me. Pressure grew in my head trying to make sense of the events earlier in the day.

I poked my face carefully from the shelter, if for nothing more than to let them know I was alive. I felt weak, but the flames that crept from the fire drowned me in their warmth. I hadn't realized how my face was paralyzed with frozen by tears.

I don't know if it was their love or the fire that melted my tears, but by the time they turned to me the water was flowing down my face once again.

Seeing me emerge, they both sprung to their feet.

"I'm… sorry... I don't… I don't know what happened," the words dribbled from my mouth like a weak faucet.

"You need some food, pal," Daddy said as he walked over to the tent he had set up for Teddy and I. "Here, finish off this canteen while I work on getting these rabbits cooked."

I took the old army-surplus tin bottle from his hands and he watched me quickly empty it into my mouth. The sensation of the cold liquid hitting my tongue like small daggers was euphoric. "Is there anymore?" I asked, before shaking the last few drops onto my dry tongue.

He laughed as he looked over me fondly, "We're melting some snow over the fire, let your stomach settle first, Oscar."

Beyond my father's bulky figure and wiry salt-and-pepper beard I could see two skinned rabbits roasting slowly over the fire and a small steel pan packed with ice off to its side. My wet clothing was propped up on a makeshift drying rack nearby. Teddy was mindlessly rotating the spit, trying to catch a glimpse of me, the same way I was looking to him. When our eyes met neither of us could contain our smiles. Although his rambunctious nature often met my last nerve, the general joy that he met life with always inspired me. I was a quiet kid, but Teddy could always squeeze whatever words I had out of me.

"Look Ozzy! Daddy taught me how to skin a rabbit!" He shouted triumphantly. "It's like they knew we were coming! They were lying under a tree waiting for us when we started setting up camp!"

I shot a nervous glance up at my father, and for a moment I thought I saw a worrisome look on his face.

"Yeah, well I guess these little guys weren't able to make it back to their burrow before nightfall," Daddy said quietly to me, "they were partially frozen together, dead when we found them. They passed the sniff test, and the meat certainly isn't spoiled, so I don't see a reason to let them go to waste."

I nodded in agreement, the thought of these animals succumbing so easily to the elements sent a chill down my spine. "How close was I to meeting a similar fate?" I thought to myself. But I was just a boy and my father's words may as well have been Gospel to me. The trepidation quickly escaped me.

"Are they almost done?" I asked ravenously, feeling my stomach grumble while the warming scent danced beneath my nose. I remembered eating plenty for supper the night before and even on the ride I was snacking nearly the whole time on Daddy's homemade trail mix. I shrugged it off however, it wasn't everyday after all that I hiked through the snow with 10 pounds of clothing and an extra 40 pounds of gear. I assured myself that I'd eat until I nearly burst to avoid such an incident again.

I hauled myself out of the tent at Daddy's behest, to join them by the fire. I watched the flames jump up and lick at the rabbit meat, slowly cooking their exteriors to produce a crisp glaze. It didn't take long for the snow to melt, and Daddy would periodically fill a canteen from the pan and repack it with snow. Teddy fervently recounted the portion of the day I had missed. He made sure to tell me how worried for me he was throughout the tale.

When this highly anticipated meal was finally cooked through, silence fell over our camp. We all ate our fill without a word. I ran through the events leading to my collapse as I inhaled the succulent meat the forest had so graciously bestowed on us. None of it made sense to me. Regaining my strength so quickly from filling my stomach convinced me that I had just overworked myself.

Daddy was the first to finish eating. He rose to his feet from the fallen limb he had been seated on and started to tidy up the camp for the night.

"Now you look much better Oscar, the colors back in your face! You were starting to look like Perriot! I had begun to scheme on how your mother and I would be able to afford sending you to one of those fancy performing arts schools! A son of mine! You had me thinking you were going to make us all wealthy people!" He laughed through it all, as if he had been waiting to make this jest for quite some time.

I faked a smile to appease his foolish nature. Despite the fact that he saw right through the facade, he patted me on the back and said, "I love you Oscar, you've got to let me know if you aren't feeling well, you had me and Teddy both worried sick."

"I love you too, sir… I'm sorry… I felt like it came across me so quickly. I feel better now though. Thanks for carrying me all the way up here."

He chuckled again, "If it were up to Teddy, it would've been him! That's quite the brother you have there. But even so, I wanted to make it as far up here as we could tonight."

Teddy was the last to finish, and as soon as he did he jumped to his feet. Raising his stiff, gloved hand to his forehead as quickly as he could he barked, "What's our next mission, sir!"

Daddy shifted his gaze to Teddy with absolute amusement. "Well now that your brothers back to his usual self, why don't the two of you gather up some more dry wood. We don't want this fire to burn out while we're asleep. I'll store away the rest of the food while you're gone. We don't want to attract any animals."

"Sir, yes, sir!" Teddy shouted, "Let's get to it Ozzy!"

"Remember what your mother told the two of you over dinner last night, stick together!" The comedy had left his tone. His eyes didn't leave when he said those words. I felt his confidence in me though the soft stare.

I quickly got my long underwear and winter gear back on, the sweat and melted snow now being completely dried out of it. A sour smell lightly permeated from them, but it was something I would have to deal with for the time being.

Once I was securely protected from the encroaching cold, I grabbed the oil lamp Daddy had been preparing.

"Alrighty, Teddy-boy, now make sure you stay close to me. You hear? No running off like a little madman."

I turned fully away from the fire for what must've been the first time since I initially emerged from the tent. The shadows cast by our shelters and the surrounding trees drifted precariously across the snow. My gut wrenched at the sight of them, I could feel a small bead of sweat emerge from under my cap and drip down my brow. I wiped it away and glanced back at the bouncing flames. Daddy had just tossed the last bundle of sticks on top of the blaze and I sighed in relief.

"There's time like presents!" Teddy belted over to me.

I shook my head, not caring to correct him. "Alright, alright, follow me, and like I said before stay close."

We started walking off from camp, which quickly disappeared from sight due to the contour of the land.

"Now, keep your eye out for dried out branches under the skirts of these trees. Anything you find out in the open is going to be too wet to burn," I told Teddy. I reveled in this chance to finally show off some of the wisdom Daddy had already imparted on me. I dipped my head over to look at Teddy. The admiration in his eyes made my face warm. I put a hand on top of his head to muss up the thick curls that adorned it.

My attention was drawn past him to the image of his profile that reflected in the snow. It waved to me, independently of my brother's own appendages. I felt a hard lump form in my throat.

"I think I see some!" Teddy yelled, taking off running before diving head first towards the base of a tree.

"Teddy, what did I just say!?" I stammered, running to follow him. I yanked his legs back from under the tree. He slid out giggling with a small bundle of dead branches tucked tightly to his chest.

"Look I got some already!" He cried in jubilation. "We'll have enough to head back in no time!"

"Ok… but please… don't run off like that again," I insisted.

The fire in his eyes waned, and he agreed. We persisted, checking beneath each passing fir together. I would kick the heavy snow loose from the perimeter of the tree and Teddy would weasel his between the evergreen curtains. Not before long we had gathered an impressive amount of deadwood, by my calculations at least. It was growing more difficult to keep them all tucked under my arm, especially with the lantern gripped tight still in my hand.

"Do you think this is enough, Ozzy? I'm getting sleepy," Teddy mumbled, the steam from his breath gently pouring from his lips.

"Let me see," I started, turning the lamp towards my little brother. This time my eyes were drawn, almost by some indescribable force, towards his silhouette on the ground. The twigs and branches sprouting from the shadowy figure began to writhe and wiggle. The tips seemed to extend like the tongue of a snack, reaching back towards him with what seemed like violent desire. I jumped back, again feeling my undershirt grab tightly against my chest. The head of Teddy's shadow twisted and turned to the left and right, the twigs slithered from his hands and began wrapping around his neck and his chest. They worked their way up from ground and started climbing the real Teddy's legs, but he didn't seem to notice.

He stared up at me, judging me, looking at me like a stranger, like I was crazy. The lamp didn't illuminate his entire face, the dips where his eyes belong appeared to be depthless caverns, vacant of thought or emotion.

"DADDY, DADDY," I screamed again and again. I twisted my body around searching for the light that would signal the location of our camp, but I couldn't see it. The shadows my lantern permeated through the woods waved to me again, retracting to their source and exploding out in every direction.

"Ozzy! Are you okay, it's okay!" Teddy begged over my yells. But it was like a second voice joined his simultaneously. The thin slithering shadows now raced and swirled across his face. "Calm down Ozzy, stop, I can see the camp!" The second voice a bit more pronounced than his own.

My head started to pound, and my eyes started to sting as sweat flooded down from my forehead. I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe. I was being assaulted from all angles by something I couldn't see. The shadows were lacking at my feet, my legs grew heavy.I dropped everything I had and took off in the direction I thought we came from. I could see Teddy drop the wood he carried and go for the lamp but my legs had already sent me hauling away before he could grab it.

"OSCAR!"

I could only hear the other voice now. He must've picked up the lamp because again the shadows rose from the ground before me and continued their game. Each tree that I passed felt like it was squeezing in on me, trying to halt my escape. I could hear the footsteps not far behind me and the voice begging me to stop. I couldn't though, my fear and racing heart prevented me from doing so.

"DADDY, DADDY," I continued to shout. The sound of crunching snow following me slowly faded into the distance.

I finally found myself alone in the dark. Tears and snots were frozen to my face, my clothing having gained half their weight in perspiration. My body ached, I yelled still but I didn't hear any response.

Time seemed to be frozen, not a sound emerged from the forest. I started to count down from ten in my head, measuring my breaths. I was shaking but I didn't feel cold. An odd sense of relief washed over me. But in no time at all it was gone.

"OSCAR!"

Teddy's voice, and just his voice erupted from somewhere far behind me.

"OSCAR, HELP ME!"

"OSCAR! I FELL! HELP ME! PLEASE! IT HURTS"

Through the shame that now dominated me I began yelling back.

"TEDDY! KEEP TALKING" I shouted back towards the sound, my hands cupped tight to the sides of my face.

The soft light from the moon was the only thing left to guide me as I tried to follow my own steps back.

"KEEP TALKING TEDDY, KEEP TALKING! I yelled into the night.

"Ozzy! Ozzy!" He cried back. I couldn't tell if I was getting closer or farther away but I kept following my deep tracks backwards.

"Teddy!" Again I screamed. There was no sign of the lantern anywhere. His shouts didn't waver, and finally began getting more clear, until I saw him crumpled tightly into the fetal position down in some jagged, ice-covered gully. "I didn't see this before, did I jump over it" I remember thinking to myself.

"Ozzy! I fell, Ozzy!" Teddy whimpered to me, "I can't stand Ozzy, it hurts!"

I slid down the incline to meet him. The lantern was smashed on the rocks nearby.

"Teddy, Teddy, I don't know what happened," I whispered to him now, fresh tears forming in the corners of my eyes. I could feel them freeze when they met the cold mountain air.

"I'm sorry for running off at first, are you mad at me?" He whispered back. "I know you said not to run off, I'm sorry, please don't be mad at me", he said through his sniffles.

"Are you cold, Teddy? Where does it hurt? Can you show me?" I replied, a new wave of terror coming over me.

"It's… it's just my leg.. I tried to get up but it hurt too much. I'm cold. I'm really cold"

This depression in the earth shielded us from the light breeze that flowed through the trees. I could see the light from camp now, had it been there all along? Why couldn't I see it?

"You're going to be okay, Teddy."

I tried to lift him but all my strength was gone. I trembled trying to pry this little human from the ground. He winced in pain but didn't make a sound as I slowly put him back down.

"I see the camp now. Teddy, I'm so sorry, it'll be okay, I'll get Daddy. It's okay. I'm not mad, Teddy, I love you, it's okay, it's gonna be okay."

"Don't leave me again, Ozzy, I'm so scared, my head hurts too, Ozzy," He begged me but I had to get help. I had to get help, I couldn't think of anything else.

"It's gonna be okay, Teddy, I promise," I told him as I unbuttoned my top coat and wrapped him tightly in it. "I promise I'll be right back with Daddy, I promise, I love you. I'll be right back, it's okay"

I could hear him sniveling as I took off at full speed towards the light of the camp.

"DADDY, DADDY!" I screamed on my approach, every few steps I would shout again. To this day I don't know how far I had to run.

When I climbed over the hill I could see my father had already started in the direction of my voice.

"Oscar!" He yelled, still moving towards me. "OSCAR!" He yelled again, louder now although he grew closer. "WHERE'S TEDDY!?" He shouted now, anger seething from him.

"OSCAR!" The other voice joined him, "OSCAR!"

My legs felt weak again. I cried.

Daddy's shadow twisted, it brought a single finger to its lips. I started to fade, more sweat seeping from my skin.

"OSCAR!" The voices boomed. "OSCAR, YOU NEED TO BE HONEST, OSCAR"

The sound pierced through my head. His big hands dug into my shoulders, he shook me, shouting more.

I lost consciousness.

I awoke in the camp alone, I could hear Daddy screaming for Teddy in the distance. I could hear him shouting something, presumably now into the radio he always brought along. I faded out again.

I awoke to daylight. Half a dozen people were in the camp now. They were surrounding Teddy. I could hear his whispers and cries. I faded off again.

He was never the same. They might have changed me but they changed Teddy even more. He never laughed like he did on our way up to camp again. He always limped on his broken leg, even long after it healed. Neither him nor Daddy looked at me the same again. They both told me they loved me, but I was never sure. There's no way they trusted me after that, at least.

And how can you love someone that you can't trust? I know I couldn't.

Whatever they are… they took so much from me... and I stayed quiet. No more.

I need to be honest.